Being Artsy is both a curse and a blessing. For some reason which I cannot firmly grasp, I create something artsy one day and it seems acceptable and the next day not as much. It is like flaws pop up from nowhere. After spending decades designing on a computer orthogonal structural parts for an aircraft manufacturer, my sketching skills have dwindled greatly. After typing endless technical papers for design and engineering, my literary arts has all but vanished and no matter how hard I try, writing music for the masses escapes me.
My sense of timing and order of things is not part of what is acceptable to a majority of the world population. I feel like an Enigma among Enigmas. I seek a perfection I cannot create nor sense. My intellect is strange and unusual. I cannot think within the box and most people have difficulty understanding what I am trying to convey with words. I feel mentally disabled and somewhat retarded.
For most of my life I have known I was different as if I had a cloud around me, and even animals sense that there is something not quite right with me in that comforting way. Of coarse growing up meant that there is always an awkward feeling socially.
According to most research, only about 3% of the population has ADHD and the number of ADHD with Left handedness is even less. Our Brain are approximately 4% smaller in "control regions" but larger in other areas. Can normal people sense us or are we totally blind to our behavior?
Also according to most research, we are miserable people and should be avoided. While we tend to be artsy and have gobs of energy, we do not conform to schedules, speed limits, relationships or anything that requires linear logic and organization.
I wonder how many girlfriends I had that I just plain wore out with hyperactive drama and excessive testosterone. I try super hard not to let my condition get out of hand where I talk at light speed and change subjects every 25 seconds. Medication has slowed me down a lot but still not to the point where I'm normal by any means.
I like to think of myself as being artsy but sometimes wonder If I fall under the category of painting elephants and monkeys. I would like to think I am smart but pretty much know my IQ is low enough where cheating is required to finish let alone pass.
The one thing I do know is that God has intervened on my behalf and gave me talents that He uses at His will. I cannot fully grasp what that means. One might argue that there is nothing supernatural happening and that everything falls under providence but yet, our very existence is supernatural. God Created everything, breathed life into mankind which was formed from the dust. How does God give talents without supernatural intervention?
It's weird but I feel like a Leper with demons on some days hoping I don't get run off a cliff...
